So you want to write about the FBI?

There appears to be some confusion as to the exact nature of all the alphabet branches of our government. You know, FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, etc. For some reason, they tend to be used somewhat interchangeably in various fiction books. In order to help clear up the differences, Special Agent Bill Whatrights of the FBI has agreed to answer a few questions for us.

Hello Agent Bill. Nice to meet you.

Um, that’s Special Agent Whatrights.

Sorry. Special Agent Whatrights then. Thanks for agreeing to help out.

Yeah. What station do you work for again?

This is for a blog Mr. Whatrights. Not TV.

A blog? Are you serious? And that’s Special Agent. Or S.A. for short. Ok?

Ok. My first question is: What exactly is the FBI’s mission?

Well, on our website it states that it is “To protect and defend the United States against terrorist and foreign intelligence threats, to uphold and enforce the criminal laws of the United States, and to provide leadership and criminal justice services to federal, state, municipal, and international agencies and partners.”

Hmmm. Pretty broad. What exactly does that mean?

Um, it also says that “In executing the following priorities, we will produce and use intelligence to protect the nation from threats and to bring to justice those who violate the law.” Those Priorities are to:

1. Protect the United States from terrorist attack

2. Protect the United States against foreign intelligence operations and espionage

3. Protect the United States against cyber-based attacks and high-technology crimes

4. Combat public corruption at all levels

5. Protect civil rights

6. Combat transnational/national criminal organizations and enterprises

7. Combat major white-collar crime

8. Combat significant violent crime

9. Support federal, state, local and international partners

10. Upgrade technology to successfully perform the FBI's mission”

S.A. Bill, are you reading that directly off the FBI website?

Um, yeah. Pretty much.

Ok, but from now on, can you try to use your own words please?

I guess so. Yes.

Thank you. So the FBI’s mission does not include kidnapping specifically?

No, not as such. Not unless the crime crosses state lines.

Really? But on television they ALWAYS call in the FBI on kidnappings. And serial murders too. Are you sure those aren’t part of your mission?

You shouldn’t always believe what you see on TV. Although we do sometimes consult on high profile, er, I mean unusual cases. In an unofficial capacity, of course.

Of course. Can we back up for a minute? Did I hear you say that you deal with intelligence? You mean foreign intelligence? Isn’t that the CIA’s deal?

The FBI has always been concerned with the nation’s security. That includes intelligence, yes.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Moving on. When the FBI prosecutes a case, do they -

I have to interrupt there. We don’t prosecute any cases.

Ok, but when you do -

We don’t.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Are you trying to say that the FBI doesn’t EVER bring cases to court?

That’s correct. It’s our job to investigate and then to bring the cases to the U.S. Attorney or the Department of Justice, not to prosecute anyone. We can be called on to testify though.

Huh. TV is wrong again. Who knew? Do they even ask you guys questions before they start making shows and movies about you?

My guess would be no.

Fascinating. Next you’re going to tell me that there aren’t any “X-files”.

There aren’t.

What? Come on, you’re joking. You can tell me, you have to have a few weird ones.

Strange cases, yes. “X-files”, no. And most of the strange ones are because of the people who report them, not the events themselves.

Unbelievable. The media sure has dropped the ball with this. Or are you just saying that because they are always exposing you as the limelight hogging megalomaniacs you are?

That’s a myth too. We usually get along quite well with the various branches of law enforcement we encounter. Well, except for the really dumb, hayseed types.

Oh.

That was a joke.

Aha. Very funny S.A. Bill.

Yeah. Hey listen, how much am I getting paid for this?

This is a blog S.A. Bill. We don’t make any money, so we also don’t pay.

Seriously?

Seriously.

I gotta go.

There you have it folks. The truth about the FBI. If it doesn’t make things crystal clear, at least maybe it sets the record permanently wrong. Cheers!

Go straight to the source -

http://www.fbi.gov/

Cool diagram on the FBI structure:

http://people.howstuffworks.com/fbi.htm